he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
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Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
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I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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