you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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