Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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