I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
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by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
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well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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