Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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