I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
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What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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