just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize