im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
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What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
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I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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