Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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