I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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