last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
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You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
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You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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