Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
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Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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