Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
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Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
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I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
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