Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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