my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
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She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
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How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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