I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize