i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
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weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
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No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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