what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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