i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
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Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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