TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
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Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
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So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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