I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
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The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
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No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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