I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
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When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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