Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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