Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
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after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
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I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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