Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
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Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
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My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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