I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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