if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
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He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
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I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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