I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
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There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
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Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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