remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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