Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
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I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
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Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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