did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize