How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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