i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
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i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
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There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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