he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
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I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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