I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
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My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
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Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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