I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
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She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
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He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
And then he peed in my hair
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