I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
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My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
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I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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