i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
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As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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