what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
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I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
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Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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