i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
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I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
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Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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