I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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