I cannot find my penis.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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