so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
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I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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