My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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