he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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