i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
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alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
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Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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