life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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