I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
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Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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