worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
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I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
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Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize