I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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